


The Way We Were

by Musicania



Series: Jackbum Title Fics [5]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, M/M, Minor Markbum, Song fic, Vaguely implied Jackbam if you squint, unhappy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-30 07:57:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20093917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Musicania/pseuds/Musicania
Summary: Jaebum should have seen this coming. He should have known that their relationship wasn't working anymore when one of them suggested a break up seemingly every week. But that didn't make it any easier when the end finally came. That didn't make it any easier to miss what they used to have. That didn't make it any easier to miss Jackson.





	The Way We Were

**Author's Note:**

> New Readers: If you want you can find out more about this series and get caught up on previous works [here](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1411069)
> 
> This fic is based off of 'If You Do' which was released in September 2015 off their album Mad.

"Jackson, what the fuck is this?" Jaebum shouted as he entered their bedroom, chucking his phone at where Jackson lay on their bed, scrolling through his own phone. 

Jackson shot him a bored look before picking up Jaebum's phone and looking at the image on it. "Oh, that's Namjoon."

Jaebum grit his teeth. "I don't care who it is, why are you kissing him?"

Jackson shrugged, slowly and deliberately, before answering. "He's a good kisser."

"You have a boyfriend." Jaebum said, not sure why he was bothering since the two of them had been together for almost five years now. 

"He's just a friend." Jackson said, his tone indicating that he thought Jaebum was overreacting for being pissed about his boyfriend letting another man kiss him. 

"I don't kiss my friends." Jaebum said, trying to remain calm. 

"Maybe you should; Jinyoung is a pretty good kisser." Jackson remarked nonchalantly.

“Are you fucking kidding me Jackson?” Jaebum snapped. He _knew_ Jackson had never kissed Jinyoung, knew that Jinyoung would never do that to him. Though he would have said the same thing about Jackson until one of their mutual friends had sent him that photo about eight minutes ago. “Does this relationship mean _nothing_ to you?”

Jackson’s eyes flashed as he got up off the bed. “Are you kidding _me_ Jaebum? This _relationship_? Do you even remember we’re in one?”

Jaebum blinked. “What are you talking about?”

Jackson stared at him incredulously. “Jaebum, we live together and we haven’t spoken in three days; we haven’t _seen_ each other in three days! And the first thing to say to me is _‘what the fuck is this?’_”

“What did you want me to do? Come in and tell you how beautiful your eyes are and _then_ ask you why someone else’s tongue was in your mouth?”

“His tongue was _not_ in my mouth. It was barely even a kiss. You’re overreacting.” Jackson said.

“His lips were on yours, I—” Jaebum cut himself off, jaw clenching, before going back to Jackson’s question. “What did you mean when you asked if I remembered if I was in a relationship?”

“When was the last time you treated me like your boyfriend and not just a roommate you share a bed with?” Jackson asked. “You’re never here! You barely answer my texts and when you do finally get home, you never want to do anything.”

“Because I’m _tired_ Jackson! We’re not kids anymore! I don’t want to go out partying every night. Why is it so hard for you to just stay at home?” Jaebum argued.

“Because I like going out! I like dancing and having a good time with my friends. That’s not new.” Jackson shot back. “I’m twenty-five, I’m allowed to like going out every once in a while.” 

"Since when did that involve making out with other men?" Jaebum spat, trying to use anger to cover his pain. 

He knew their relationship wasn't great. It hadn't been for a while if he was honest. They'd been shaky for about six months now but the last two months or so had been… Well they'd been bad. Jackson may have had a point when he said they never saw each other and even when they did all they did was snap at each other and pick fights. Even on the off chance they weren't fighting Jaebum was uneasy, almost like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the fighting to resume. Sometimes he stayed late at work because he didn't want to hear what else Jackson thought he was doing wrong, just didn't want to fight again.

But even with all the shitty things they'd said to one another, Jackson had never cheated on him before, had never kissed anyone else. And as furious as he was at Jackson, he was also really fucking hurt. 

"I told you, he's just a friend! It didn't mean _anything_." Jackson replied. "He was drunk and he only did it because of a stupid dare. One of our other friends thought it would be funny to film it. If you’d been home recently I would have told you about it."

If Jaebum was less angry, less hurt, he would have seen the guilt in Jackson's eyes. 

But he _was_ angry and he _was_ hurt so he lashed out the way he had so many times before. "Then your friends are assholes and so are you for going along with it." He snarled. "How could you have gone along with that? You're pissed that our relationship is not great right now so you go out and do something to destroy completely?"

"_I'm_ the one who destroyed this relationship? Are you kidding me?" Jackson asked, eyes wide. He huffed out a humourless laugh. “Fine, if we're both destroying this relationship then let’s break up. Let's just stop doing this then.”

Jaebum flinched. He’d heard Jackson say that to him before. He'd said it himself once or twice. It had become their ender to a significant argument, said by one or the other when they didn’t want to keep fighting. Because they knew the other would balk at actually breaking up—no matter how unhappy they were—and usually just walk away, letting their anger simmer and fester until whatever triggered the next argument. 

But how messed up was that? How messed up were _they_? This… this wasn’t them. This wasn’t how they started or what Jaebum wanted for either of them. This constant fighting was killing Jaebum, as was the constant feeling like he wasn’t enough for Jackson anymore, that he couldn’t be what Jackson needed. The only thought that hurt more was that maybe Jackson wasn’t what he needed anymore either. Maybe they’d both grown up enough that they were longer capable of loving each other the way they used to. Maybe drawing this out was only going to hurt them more.

He took a deep breath and met Jackson’s eyes. “Okay.” He said quietly.

Jackson froze. “Wait, what?” He asked, his eyes wide with what almost looked like fear.

“Jackson, we can’t keep doing this to each other.” Jaebum said tiredly, knowing Jackson knew it just as well as he did. “Let’s break up.”

Jackson stared at him for a few seconds more before speaking. "Fuck you Jaebum," he said, his voice breaking as he pushed past Jaebum and out of the room. A moment later Jaebum heard the front door open and close too. 

_ Fuck. _

Jaebum screamed so loud that he was pretty sure he damaged something, reaching out in blind rage, grabbing the closest thing within reach and smashing it against the floor, the sound of shattering glass almost satisfying to hear as he slid down the wall and pressed his face into his hands. 

What had he just done? Why did he _say_ that?

Why did he feel relieved?

He lifted his face and his eyes fell on the object he'd smashed to the floor. A photo of the two of them Jackson kept next to his side of the bed. It was their favourite. Jaebum had his arms wrapped around Jackson, his nose pressed against Jackson's temple as he said something in Jackson's ear that neither of them remembered. They both looked so happy and stupidly in love with each other that Jaebum felt a tear roll down his cheek as he stared at them through the splintered glass. 

What had happened to them? He didn't feel like the person in the photo anymore, didn't feel like Jackson was the same person either. He didn't understand how they'd ended up where they were. How could two people who loved each other so much fall apart? He still loved Jackson, despite everything. But he knew that it wasn't enough. That it wouldn't be enough to save them. Wasn't love supposed to be the strongest thing in the world? Why wasn't it enough for _them_?

Jaebum’s phone chirped but he wasn’t going to check it to find out why because he knew what he’d see when he did. Jackson, _his_ Jackson, kissing someone else. The memory of the image was burned on the back of his eyelids and made him want to throw something again. The feeling only got stronger when a voice in the corner of his mind asked, _when was the last time **you** kissed Jackson?_

He couldn’t remember. He wasn’t talking about pecks on the forehead or cheek but he couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually kissed Jackson. He couldn’t remember the last time they’d had sex. Couldn’t remember the last time they’d gone out on date. 

He leaned his head back roughly against the wall, remembering all the times Jackson had sent him photos of dinner with little messages like ‘I made your favourite’ or ‘can’t wait till you get home’ and Jaebum had all but ignored them or simply sent back a 'can't, working.'

He wondered if the ache he felt in his chest at the thought of Jackson with someone else was the same ache Jackson must have felt eating alone those nights, staring at the empty seat across from him. 

Fuck, how had they messed up this bad? How had Jaebum missed how lonely Jackson was? How much he just needed Jaebum to pay attention to him, to remind him Jaebum cared about him? And how could Jackson have missed how much Jaebum just needed to relax when he got home from work? How much he just needed Jackson to hold him and not say a single word sometimes? 

How could the two of them get past this? Past the betrayal of seeing Jackson with someone else or passed the feeling of being neglected and made to feel insignificant. 

Jaebum already knew the answer. They couldn’t. Maybe at one point they could have turned it around but now they were just too broken, had hurt one another too many times. 

His phone chimed again, this time with the tone he'd set for his work emails. Jaebum never got work emails. He carefully made his way through the glass pieces to pick up his phone from the bed where Jackson had left it and unlocked it, steeling himself against the image on his screen as he closed his text messages and opened his email.

He stared at the screen. 

It was an email form work confirming Jaebum's participation in something that he had entirely forgotten he signed up for. The idol management company Jaebum produced for was looking to break it's artists into the American market and was able to secure an internship for two staff members at an American studio for a year to get a better idea of what the western audience was looking for. When the original email went around asking if anyone was interested Jaebum had submitted his name only out of spite since he and Jackson had had one of their first big fights. He hadn't expected to actually get chosen. He hadn't planned on actually _going_. But he'd never told the company he'd changed his mind. He always figured he'd keep it in his back pocket, something to use against Jackson in an argument and then would tell his boss no at the last minute, say something had come up and he couldn't go. 

Now here he was at the last minute, the email containing the forms Jaebum would have to submit to HR by the end of the week so the company could get him a work visa for the U.S. And here he was with his personal life falling apart around him. All those months ago he never thought he'd actually be going to L.A. but sitting on their bed at that moment going to L.A. seemed like the best idea he had ever heard. Getting away from anything that might remind him of how badly he'd destroyed his relationship. 

But running away would have to wait. Wait until he'd talked to Jackson. Wait until they'd actually ended things properly. 

He stood carefully, sliding his phone into his pocket as he used his slipper to sweep the shattered glass out of the way, grabbing the broom from their bathroom to clean up the mess he'd made before going sliding on his shoes to clean up the other mess he'd made. 

He walked out onto the porch and tried to think about where Jackson might have gone. Jaebum's car was still in the driveway; Jackson hadn't taken it which meant he was probably still somewhere in the area. Jaebum ran through all the places Jackson liked to go and there was only one place that Jaebum thought suited Jackson's current mood. 

He started walking towards a park about a block from their home. It was somewhere they liked to go together, and someplace they liked to go apart. It was fairly big but wasn't often used all that often except for nice days and weekends. It was quiet and the two of them used to like spending time there. 

Jaebum wasn't surprised to see Jackson sitting on the bench that overlooked a stream that ran through the park. Their bench they used to call it. Sometimes they'd bring frozen peas to feed ducks that nested along the banks in the spring. Jackson always loved the baby ducks. 

With a heavy heart he sat down next to Jackson, the space between them seeming much larger than the mere inches between their thighs. 

Neither of them said anything for some time, both of them just sitting there and watching the water flow slowly in front of them. 

"How do we know when this is really over?" Jackson asked, Jaebum needing no clarification as to what Jackson was referring to. 

"When one of us stops trying." Jaebum replied after thinking it over. "Or when trying no longer works."

Jackson was silent for several heartbeats. "I don't think I want to try anymore."

Jaebum's heart stuttered in his chest but his eyes remained dry as he truthfully replied, "Me neither." That wasn’t really true, but Jaebum didn’t know where to start turning things around again. They’d made such a mess Jaebum was at a loss to figure out how to go about fixing everything that was wrong with their relationship. At this point he thought the best thing for them to do was to just stop.

Jackson looked over at him then. "I want to stop hurting you."

Jaebum almost smiled. That was his Jackson. They were breaking up and Jackson wasn't doing it for himself, wasn't doing it because _he_ was unhappy— and he _was_ unhappy, Jaebum didn't delude himself into thinking otherwise—but because he didn't want to hurt _Jaebum_ any more than he already had. 

"I want you to stop hurting." Jaebum replied honestly. He had never wanted to hurt Jackson and he wasn't sure he'd ever forgive himself for how many times he'd done exactly that. 

They stared at each other for a few moments. 

"I don't know what to do next." Jackson confessed. "Where do we go from here?" _How do we move on_, went left unasked. The two had been so intertwined as 'Jackson and Jaebum' for years now that it was understandable that Jackson didn't even know how to start pulling them apart into just Jackson and just Jaebum. 

Jaebum turned back to the water. "I'm going to L.A."

Jackson gasped. "What?"

"I was offered an internship at a studio in L.A. a few months ago that I initially signed up for for reasons that seem so stupid now." Jackson didn't ask him what those were and for that Jaebum was grateful. "I was originally going to cancel it, tell the company that I couldn't go… I never wanted to actually go. I forgot all about it and never told them I wasn't available but… I think it might be good, for both of us, if I leave. I think I need to be somewhere where you aren't for a little while."

"Los Angeles is so far away." Jackson said in a small voice. "And your English is so terrible."

Jaebum laughed before he could stop himself, but it was sad and bittersweet. Jaebum's English wasn't terrible, thanks to Jackson, but it had been an ongoing joke between them. When they first met Jackson had been speaking English so Jaebum assumed he didn't speak Korean. Jaebum's English back then _had_ been awful but he'd tried his best because he wanted to get to know Jackson better. Jackson let him stumble through the foreign language for almost an hour before taking pity on Jaebum and telling him he spoke Korean. It hurt Jaebum to realize the joke that used to remind him of one of the best nights of his life, that used to make him smile, now only made him sad.

"When are you leaving?" Jackson asked. 

"In a month, assuming I get approved for a work visa." Jaebum answered. "But given everything I think I might see if I can go over early."

Jackson hummed in response. "What do you want me to do with all your stuff?"

"I'll pack everything before I go."

"And the things you forget?"

Jaebum smiled. Jackson knew him so well.

That was probably part of the reason they stopped working. When you knew someone as intimately as Jackson and Jaebum knew each other you knew where the others' weaknesses were, where their insecurities were and where to go when you wanted to hurt them. Jaebum was ashamed to admit that he'd once brought up things that he knew Jackson was insecure about just for the purposes of winning an argument. 

"Just give it to Jinyoung." He answered, knowing his best friend would be willing to keep a few boxes of Jaebum's stuff in his apartment until Jaebum could get around to moving it. 

Jackson nodded. 

They sat there in silence some more, Jaebum wondering if he should be this calm about the end of something that had been the most important thing in his life for the better part of five years. But perhaps they'd already used up all their emotions. Perhaps there was nothing left to feel. Jaebum's heart had been shredded and put back together by the man beside him so many times in the past six months perhaps it just didn't work properly anymore. 

"It wasn't all bad, was it?" Jackson asked, his voice small and insecure. Jaebum turned to see Jackson frowning at him. "Our entire relationship wasn't wrong, was it?"

Jaebum wasn’t sure how to answer. They’d done a lot of things that were wrong over the past few months, each of them on their own and the two of them together, but Jaebum had never once considered his relationship with Jackson to be _wrong_. Even now, now that they’d finally opened the curtains and could see all the broken pieces of themselves and their relationship scattered all over the floor, Jaebum didn’t consider their relationship to be wrong. Some of their actions and choices had been, no doubt, but never the love that they'd shared. 

“No.” Jaebum said with certainty. “You and I were not wrong.”

Jackson nodded. “If we could go back to they way we were, before…everything…would you?”

_Yes_, Jaebum wanted to say because he would give anything to go back to go back to loving Jackson the way he used to. He probably always would if he was honest, but it wasn’t the same. If it were possible Jaebum would go back to the time where a single look from Jackson could make Jaebum feel like he could do anything. Where just having Jackson next to him was the only thing he’d needed. 

But that wasn’t possible. And thinking about it would only hurt both of them even more. 

“No. I don’t think I would.” Jaebum said quietly.

“I would.” Jackson said, turning back to the water. “If I knew how to go back to the Jackson and Jaebum who were madly and passionately in love with each other, I would.” He paused. “I miss being that Jackson and that Jaebum.”

Jaebum smiled. “They were good together.” He agreed. “They were _so_ good together.”

No more words were spoken after that, just the two of them sitting side by side with an ocean of distance in between them. Jaebum waited until it started getting dark before getting to his feet. “I’m going to head home.”

“I think I’ll stay here a little longer.” Jackson replied.

There were a thousand words on the tip of Jaebum’s tongue: _it’s cold_, _be careful_, _you shouldn't stay here alone_. But he wasn’t sure he had a right to say any of those things. So he simply nodded and headed back home alone, something he’d done hundreds of times before. But opening the door and walking into their dark living room knowing that this would no longer his home and Jackson would no longer be a part of his life was the first time he’d ever actually _felt_ alone. 

≪ ≫

Los Angeles was insane. It was bright and busy and filled with so many people and so few rules. It was so different from Korea and, at first, Jaebum loved it. He soaked it in like a sponge and basked in all the new things he was experiencing, letting them help him grow and change and move on. 

It was three months in when the novelty started to wear off. He’d travelled to all the nearby cities and states. He’d done everything that his new coworkers suggested he do and now his life was routine and boring and with his boredom came the memories. And with the memories came the sadness. It wasn’t the first time he’d missed Jackson, far from it. There had been something that had reminded him of Jackson every single day since he’d stepped off the plane. The reminders had gotten less, hurt less too, as the time passed but despite being thousands of miles apart Jackson was never too far from his mind. Jinyoung told him that was normal, two humans don’t just instantly get over and move on from a five year relationship.

Jaebum barely resisted the urge to send Jinyoung the photos Jackson had posted of an attractive man with red hair and pouty lips. Jaebum didn’t mean to stare at the photo, committing it to memory. He didn’t even mean to look at Jackson’s Instagram page, but something stopped him from just closing the app. Jackson looked happy with the stranger's thin arms wrapped around him. And as much as that hurt, all Jaebum had ever wanted was for Jackson to be happy.

Six months later Jaebum tried a new relationship of his own. He’d met the most beautiful human being he’d ever laid his eyes on at a cafe near work and wasn’t too subtle about going in all the time until the guy wrote his number on Jaebum’s cup one day. 

Mark was great. He was gentle, funny and smart. He was the type of guy Jaebum had always thought he’d end up with. He was quiet and polite, not too keen on going out all the time and perfectly content to just spend time with Jaebum in silence as they watched a movie snuggled under some blankets. It was everything that he’d wanted from his relationship with Jackson that he’d never gotten.

For the first month, it was perfect. Mark was the sweetest boyfriend and Jaebum was happy, genuinely happy. But then it started to get…boring. Jaebum never thought he’d see the day where he’d be the one in the relationship to push going out to a club or just out in general, but he started to long for the days Jackson would drag him out and make him go dancing with him. He missed the endless chatter and nonsense that Jackson could come up with for hours on end without getting tired or bored. Missed the general energy and life that Jackson brought to a room simply by being in it. 

Mark tried, bless him. He went out with Jaebum and even though he wasn’t a great dancer, he tried. It just didn’t feel right. Mark was too tall, too thin, too not right. He just didn’t fit into Jaebum’s arms like he belonged there and it infuriated Jaebum. Mark was perfect, he was Jaebum’s ideal type and everything he thought he wanted in a boyfriend but he wasn’t _right_. 

He wasn’t _Jackson_.

He also wasn’t an idiot. 

Mark realized that when Jaebum looked at him, he was looking for someone else. That when he held Mark in his arms, it was another person he was thinking of. He didn’t blame Jaebum and he didn’t make Jaebum talk about it but when he broke up with Jaebum he told him that if whoever he was thinking about was so important to him, he better go back and fight for him.

Jaebum thought about what Mark had said as he lay in bed later that night, staring at the ceiling and remembering the day where everything had fallen apart with him and Jackson. Or at least the day where the two of them had actually opened their eyes and saw the pieces. 

As much as he missed Jackson—and he did—and as many times as he considered calling Jackson when he got home to Korea again—and he had—he didn’t know if the two of them would ever work again. His relationship with Jackson had taught him that love wasn’t always enough to make things work. Sometimes it just wasn’t meant to be.

_ If he’s important to you, then fight for him. _

Of _course_ Jackson was important to Jaebum. Jackson had been the love of his life so far, his longest relationship and the only person Jaebum had actually considered spending the rest of his life with. He’d thought they were soulmates at one point. 

But it would be selfish of him to assume that Jackson felt the same. He hadn’t treated Jackson well and Jackson deserved happiness, even if Jaebum wasn’t the one to help him find it. If Jackson was happy, no matter who it was with, Jaebum would be content with that. 

As much as he missed Jackson and as much as he regretted so many things that he’d done, Jackson didn’t owe him a second chance to make up for it. Jackson didn’t even owe him forgiveness though Jaebum knew Jackson would give it to him if he asked. Because Jackson had always cared more about other people than he had cared for himself. That had been Jaebum’s job. To take care of Jackson. Something he’d failed spectacularly at. 

_ If he’s important to you, then fight for him. _

Jaebum wished it were that simple.

≪ ≫

Jaebum sighed in relief when he saw Korean on the signs as he stepped out of the airport tunnel. He hadn’t realized just how much he missed it until he saw it again. He loved his time in L.A. and he learned so much but _god_ it felt so good to be home again. To hear voices speaking in Korean, to see his parents and his friends again and to have authentic Korean food. 

He mentally made a list of all the things he wanted to do again now that he was home, things he’d missed desperately while abroad, but after an hour of watching luggage that did not belong to him circle around and around Jaebum decided the the one thing he wanted to do more than anything was sleep. 

His luggage finally showed up and he hauled it off and towards the exit, his thoughts only on the bed in Jinyoung's guest bedroom where he'd be living until he could find a place of his own. 

“Jaebum-hyung!”

Jaebum’s head whipped around, certain he’d misheard. It wasn’t possible that _he_ was here. He had no reason to be here even if he had somehow been told when Jaebum was returning. 

But there he was. There was _Jackson_, looking nervous as he jogged over to where Jaebum was standing, rooted to the ground in shock. “Hey.” Jackson said, his eyes roaming over Jaebum’s face. “Welcome home.”

Jaebum just stared. Jackson looked different, in obvious ways and in subtle ways that only someone who had stared at Jackson as much as Jaebum had would notice. He’d dyed his hair blonde, a pale platinum colour that he’d always talked about but never actually got around to doing. It looked good.

He’d also lost a bit of weight, the angles of his face sharper than they used to be. It suited him but still made Jaebum worry if he was eating okay, if he was working out too much or sleeping too little. 

“What are you doing here?” Jaebum asked, taking in the pinched expression, the tiny frown lines along Jackson's forehead and the slight downturn of his lips. He noticed how Jackson kept playing with a ring on his thumb nervously and tried _not_ to notice how the ring was his own that must have gotten left behind when he moved out. "How did you even know when my flight landed?”

“Jinyoung told me.” Jackson replied. “I was wondering if we could talk?” He asked, sounding almost hesitant. 

"I'm tired Jackson," Jaebum said. It wasn't a lie and Jaebum desperately needed sleep if he was going to be around Jackson for any length of time. He needed to put up some defences. 

"Please," Jackson begged, his eyes pleading. 

Jaebum hated Jackson's puppy dog eyes, hated how weak he apparently still was for them. "It can't wait till tomorrow?" Jaebum sighed. 

Jackson shook his head, strands of white blonde hair falling across his eyes only to be absently pushed away. "I just—" Jaebum saw the exact moment Jackson changed his mind. His eyes became a little more shuttered and his shoulders hunched slightly in dejection. "Yeah, okay. Tomorrow is fine."

Fuck. It wasn't healthy to be so weak for another human, Jaebum was certain of that. "Can we at least talk at Jinyoung's, so I can go to sleep right after?" He asked, hating himself for being in Korea for barely two hours and he was already giving in to Jackson Wang and his damn puppy dog eyes. 

But he'd seen that look on Jackson too many times. He'd been the _cause_ of it too many times. He figured he'd let Jackson down enough, disappointed him enough for this lifetime; a conversation wasn't going to cost Jaebum anything. 

Jackson brightened and Jaebum realized that he _had_ forgotten Jackson in their time apart. He'd forgotten Jackson's smile. Forgotten how it felt like that smile lit up every corner of this planet and made everything just a little bit better. He'd forgotten how much he loved making Jackson smile. He'd forgotten the last time he'd actually _made_ Jackson smile. 

"My car is this way." Jackson said, grabbing Jaebum's luggage from him.

"When did you get a car?" Jaebum asked as they started walking. It felt weird not knowing something about Jackson. 

"Three months ago? I got a new job not long after you left and public transit was killing me slowly. It used to take me almost two hours. One day it snowed and I'm not even kidding you it took me four hours to get home. That was the day I swore I'd save up for a car and I finally managed it a few months ago. It's small, but it's good on gas and drives really nicely."

Jaebum smiled in spite of himself. God he'd missed Jackson's ability to effortlessly fill silence. He'd missed Jackson's voice. 

"What's your new job?" Jaebum asked, curious. 

Jackson rambled on about his new job as a fitness trainer for an idol company, how he helped build stamina with trainees and worked as a fitness trainer for idols. It was so far off what Jaebum would have guessed Jackson would be doing, but he sounded happy. Sounded like he genuinely enjoyed it and he enjoyed listening as Jackson shared stories of some of the idols he worked with. 

When they got to the car Jackson shooed Jaebum into the front seat while he carefully packed all of Jaebum's bags into the trunk and back seat. Jaebum, embarrassingly, fell asleep and only stirred when he felt fingers brushing across his cheek. The touch was gentle and feather-light, likely not intended to wake Jaebum so he sat there and let Jackson trace the lines of his face with the pads of his fingers, wondering why Jackson would want to. 

Jackson eventually pulled away, his hand moving to Jaebum's shoulder and giving him a little shake. "Hyung, we're here."

Jaebum blinked sluggishly before focussing on Jackson smiling fondly at him from where he was crouched on the sidewalk next to Jaebum's open door. Jaebum's suitcases were already stacked behind him and Jaebum wondered how he'd slept through all of that. "Sorry," he murmured, unbuckling his seatbelt and getting out of the car. 

"It's fine. You're tired." Jackson replied, closing the open trunk and pressing a button on his key to lock the car.

Jinyoung wasn’t home but he’d sent Jaebum the keys for the building weeks ago so Jaebum let both of them in, feeling something like relief as he spotted the familiar interior of Jinyoung’s apartment. He was finally home.

He and Jackson just dumped his stuff in the middle of the living room knowing Jinyoung wouldn’t mind as long as Jaebum moved it within twenty-four hours. He collapsed on the couch and tried not to melt into the soft fabric as he turned to Jackson who suddenly looked nervous once more as he sat on the other end of the couch. 

“I missed you.” Jaebum said, his exhaustion allowing him to say things he probably never would otherwise.

Jackson looked over at him sharply, seeming surprised. “You did?”

Jaebum laughed softly. “Of course I did. Why would you think I wouldn’t?”

“Because I was an asshole! I cheated on you for god's sake.” Jackson said, running his hand through his hair.

Jaebum was surprised to find that the memory of that photograph didn’t hurt as much as it used to. “Still,” he said. “I missed you.”

Jackson looked at him with something like desperation on his face, a desperation that Jaebum didn’t understand. He leaned forward and took one of Jackson’s hands, Jackson’s fingers immediately lacing through his own and Jaebum almost smiled at how comfortable, how _right_ it still felt. “Sseun-ah, what’s wrong?” he asked softly, curious about what was bothering Jackson so much and why he needed to talk to Jaebum about it.

Jackson’s lower lip trembled slightly and he looked away. “Why are you still calling me that?” He asked his voice cracking as he tightened his grip on Jaebum’s hand.

Jaebum was puzzled at Jackson’s behaviour. “Jackson you were the most important person in my life for five years, no matter how shitty I was as showing it. Just because we broke up doesn’t mean that I don’t still care about you.” Then it occurred to Jaebum that perhaps Jackson was asking because he didn’t want to be called by that nickname anymore, or at least didn’t want Jaebum to be the one saying it. “If it bothers you, I won’t call you that again.”

Jackson shook his head before looking over at Jaebum again, his eyes searching as his looked over Jaebum’s face. “Do you think there is any chance that you would consider us getting back together?” Jackson asked quietly.

Jaebum felt his eyes widen as he looked at Jackson, who frankly looked terrified at the thought of what Jaebum’s answer might be. “Is that something you want?” Jaebum asked.

Jackson nodded. “I know that I was a brat and an asshole and that I gave you no reason to ever want a relationship with me again, but I _miss_ you.” Jackson said. “Nothing feels right without you. I’ve had relationships since we broke up and they were fine but they just weren’t _you_. My friends keep telling me that it’s just because we were together for so long and that the feeling will eventually go away, but I don’t want it to. I know our relationship sucked at the end but that was our fault for letting it get like that, we both just gave up.” Jackson turned and faced Jaebum head on. “I don’t want to go back to that, not ever, but I want to know if there is a chance for us to start over.”

Jaebum just stared at him. “Jackson, are you sure? You were miserable in that relationship; we both were.”

“Only because we both stopped caring, stopping putting in any effort to fix things. I want to start again, and actually _try_. Because I’ve tried living without you and I’ve tried being with other people that aren’t you and I didn’t like doing either of them. Neither of them made me happier than you did.” Jackson looked at him and his expression was so fond and full of love and Jaebum couldn’t remember the last time Jackson had looked at him like that. 

"We weren't good for each other." Jaebum said, the words more painful than he thought they'd be. 

Jackson looked at him incredulously. "Are you kidding me? Despite how we ended, you were the best thing that ever happened to me. Yeah, the last few months of our relationship were kind of a nightmare but for _years_ you believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. You supported me when no one else would. You took care of me when I didn't want to or didn't have the time to do it myself. You made me feel loved and cherished when I felt absolutely worthless. I'm the person that I am today because of _you_."

Jaebum just stared at Jackson. He hadn’t known that Jackson felt that way, that he felt Jaebum had had such an impact on who Jackson was as a person. But when he thought about it, he could absolutely say the same about himself. He probably couldn’t even count the ways that Jackson had shaped his life, the ways that Jackson had made not only it, but _him_ better. Jackson had been his best critic and his best supporter when it came to his music, the first one Jaebum went to and the voice that Jaebum took the most seriously. Jackson helped encourage him to apply to companies and was there to prevent Jaebum from letting go of his dreams when letter after letter of rejection came in. Jackson had made him a better friend, son and a better all round person. He made Jaebum think about about the people around him, his neighbours, his coworkers and even strangers on the street. Seeing the kindness and respect Jackson treated everyone with was inspirational and Jaebum was proud that he’d adopted even a shred of that kindness. Jackson had made him laugh more freely, made him a more carefree and a more optimistic person.

In the year that they’d been apart Jaebum had focused a lot on the negative, on the ways they’d hurt each other. Jackson’s words made him realize that there had been far more good than bad between them. That didn’t excuse or erase the bad or heal any of the scars that it caused, but it made Jaebum all the more determined to do better this time. To ensure that all the positives they brought to each other’s lives not only continued, but grew. 

Jaebum must have been quiet for too long, must have been frowning as he tended to do when he was lost in thought because Jackson slowly pulled his fingers out of Jaebum's grip. "You can say no." He said quietly, not looking at Jaebum. "You don't have to keep coming up with excuses. You can just say no and I’ll understand."

"No, that's—" Fuck, was that what Jackson thought he was doing?

He cupped Jackson face and gently turned it so that he could look Jackson in the eyes. "I just don't want to hurt you again."

"Then don't hurt me." Jackson said, as if it was the simplest thing in the world. 

Jaebum leaned in, pressing his forehead against Jackson. "You need to tell me if something's bothering you. Don’t bottle it up and don't use passive aggressive comments; you know I'm an idiot and don't understand them."

Hope lit up Jackson's eyes. "Do you mean…"

Jaebum sent him a soft smile. "Jackson I don't think I want anything more than I want a second chance with you."

* * *

**Lyrics:**

If you do it’s good, if I do it’s done

How can you always say that I’m wrong

You always want to win

Tears are your ultimate weapon

I was attracted to your confidence at first

But every day I went down on my knees

You magnified even my minor mistakes

And pushed me to the edge of the cliff

Well I love you anyway,

that’s why I put up with you

Every day every night feel like a fool

You gotta know

Why why why are you

always mad mad mad at me

Can we go back to the way we were

If you do it always becomes the right words

If you do I can never win

Suddenly you become a different person

When we get along well I get more nervous

If I do If I do

If I say something you always say let’s break up

So I can’t get any closer

Can’t deepen my love for you

Your major is saying the same thing over and over

You force me to do things to please you

I am tired of these trials with already known results

I’m desperate to break free

To you they’re just friends

To me they’re jerks who could be flirting with you

Another mistake, if you do it’s ok,

but if I do huh

I wish you wouldn’t go too far but you just can’t stop

Now I say in my sleep, I’ll be good

When there’s nothing to say you always say,

I’m gonna go to bed

Frustrated with no one to talk to

Sometimes I delude myself that I’m trapped

If you do it always becomes the right words

If you do I can never win

Suddenly you become a different person

When we get along well I get more nervous

If I do If I do

If I say something you always say let’s break up

So I can’t get any closer

Can’t deepen my love for you

Every day every night feel like a fool

You gotta know

Why why why are you

always mad mad mad at me

Can we go back to the way we were

If you do it always becomes the right words

If you do I can never win

Suddenly you become a different person

When we get along well I get more nervous

If I do If I do

If I say something you always say let’s break up

So I can’t get any closer

Can’t deepen my love for you

**Lyrics By:**

Sam Lewis

**Author's Note:**

> This storyline will be continued in another part of this series but, again, I'm not going to say which part because if I tell you the song it will be continued in then the lyrics will be kind of spoilery. 
> 
> EDIT: now that the continuation has been posted, you can find it [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20198110) (or just go to the next work in this series).
> 
> This was actually the first fic I started in this series. The content of this song is so different from the fluff I usually write so I thought this one would be the hardest to write. And it was in some ways, but it was a good challenge. I feel like I'm getting better at writing angst.
> 
> Also I don't mean to sugarcoat or gloss over bad/ unhappy relationships or imply that somehow they're all fixable with a bit of optimism and some conversation. This is fiction. Some relationships are genuinely unhealthy and will never have a happy ending (the relationship described in the lyrics sounds a bit unhealthy to me if I'm honest which is why I changed the dynamic of the relationship a bit. I didn't want to write Jackson or Jaebum as being emotionally manipulative which is the vibe I get from the lyrics).
> 
> See you next time with 'Fly'


End file.
